Friday, November 13, 2015

a glimpse into who I am

This is an old post from facebook. It will give you a very small glimpse into my wounded heart.

Someone recently asked me to “write my story”. Our story is both written for us and by us. It is the sum of God’s will plus our choices. 
As I have been pondering this thought a few things have come to my mind. First, I know how my story will end, no I don’t know how I will leave this earth, but I know when I leave this life I will spend eternity with Jesus in Heaven. I know my eternity is secure. What I can’t even begin to write about is how long I will be here, who I may have to say good bye to before I leave, etc. When I was in highschool I visited New York City. It was an exciting City! I remember saying, “I hope I have a job someday that brings me to this city a few times a year on business.” I have never returned to New York City, the closest I’ve come is watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. 
When I was in college I wanted to be like Mary Tyler Moore, single career woman with a cute apartment, complete with a sunken living room. I did have a cute apartment with a raised bedroom, so you stepped down into the rest of the apartment from the bedroom, but my days as a career woman ended before I finished college… 
If you asked me way back then where I thought I’d be in my 50th year of life, I would have had a lot of ideas: traveling, snuggling & kissing a grandbaby or two, probably still working somewhere earning a paycheck, to spend at the Mall, more time for sewing and crafting, and for me. If that’s your life, good for you, but God certainly had a different story written for me to walk out. 
Almost every job I’ve held has prepared me for this “career”. I have been a waitress, a receptionist, a bookkeeper, secretary for quality control, a CNA, a home health aide, I’ve cleaned houses, I’ve worked in grocery stores as a cashier and a deli clerk, and babysitter, etc…. these jobs remind me of some of those “before they were famous” articles. The beauty is I use these skills all the time in my “real life”. I spend my days cooking meals, clearing tables, changing diapers, answering phones, scheduling appointments and sometimes rescheduling them, washing laundry, cleaning house, doing dishes, wiping noses, washing hands and faces, etc. etc. My days are full, my days are busy, but I wouldn’t trade this life for any of those old dreams and ideas. They were the best kind of dreams for a young woman to have, but this woman has seen living out God’s plan is so much more fulfilling. I have no doubt whatsoever that this is exactly what I was 
made to be! 
Every day is an adventure! Many days I can only cling to God’s promises and pray I can make it until bedtime. Being totally dependent on God and His strength and mercies is an amazingly good place to be. 
But, what about the part I am responsible to write? I can’t even imagine what my future will look like, there will be moments of delight and awe weaved together with heartache and loss, but what else??? 
I hope I will love like Jesus, more each day. I hope the people entrusted to me will feel safe with me, at all times. I hope to actively participate in my life choice by choice becoming a healthy person, spiritually, but also emotionally, mentally, & physically. Hoping is not enough to “write” my story I have to actively decide and act according to God’s will and my desires. So this day (tomorrow is another day) I choose to honor my commitments well, to tap into the Holy 
Spirit’s power to love better, to be vulnerable in the face of fear, and to be present in this moment, and to be kinder than I might feel. I will renew my mind with God’s word and other good books. I will seek wise counsel. I will choice by choice eat better and exercise more. I will pray for God’s wisdom and supernatural power to help me to love when fear and hurt make me want to do anything but love. I will ask God to help me take captive every thought, so my mind is free from junk and lies that defeat me before my feet hit the floor. 
And most of all I will fail again and again, but I will by God’s grace get up every time I fall. God wrote my story. It is finished! I get to walk it out in cooperation with Him every day, moment by moment, choice by choice. 

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