Saturday, February 17, 2018

What are you doing Presidents week?

Someone posted the question on facebook.  What are you doing over break week? and don't say work.
Calendar Concept royalty-free stock photo

My first thought was:  I will cook 27 meals for 7 - 9 people, and at least 18 snacks; I will take the dog out, I will let the dog in, at least 63 times; I will settle more arguments than I can count over who pours the milk, picks the TV show, clothing items, etc. etc; I will clean spills and take toys away from the dog and children who are fighting; I will listen to whining and fighting; I will clean up puppy prints from the mud, and even more mud tracked in by the feet of seven kiddos, some little feet some much larger than mine.  I will fold mountains of laundry and remind the owners to put them away. 

Then I thought:  I can't post that on social media.  I need to say something more face book worthy, something like:  I will read lots of books and snuggle with my littles; we will take a day to do something fun with some friends (probably the Science Center); we will bake some yummy snacks, we will sleep late(r); we will not go to therapy appointments, counseling appointments, school activities; we will just be together; if I'm feeling really brave we will play some board games; we may stay up later and watch more of the Olympics; we will watch movies and eat popcorn;  we will stay in our jammies longer; we will linger over our meals; we will sing loud and off key, we will dance and we will laugh!!

The truth is both of these responses are 100% true.  We will do all of these things, and perhaps more.  Why is my first response all the hard things?  Why doesn't the second thought come first?  Why don't they tumble together like our lives really do?  It's not that I'm a negative person, but somehow lately I am counting the wrong things.  I'm counting appointments, meals, baskets of laundry, etc.  I'm not counting my blessings.  Those same things can be blessings - we get to eat 27 meals in the next nine days!! We are so blessed to live in this country and have so much yummy food available and affordable for us. 

I hope this week brings lots of good things and I pray that life and God will continue to remind me to look for the blessings. 

Philippians 4:8 NLT "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." 

Excellence can come in the mundane and small.  I tend to look for it in the grand and extraordinary, but an excellent cup of coffee, a perfectly formed bud, a clean kitchen, aren't they all excellent!!

If I look for it my children and husband do things all the time that are praiseworthy.  When a big brother reads a story at bedtime to a sleepy (possibly even a bit whiny) little sister, Praise worthy! Excellent!! When a little boy cleans up the dogs muddy foot prints without being asked!  Praise worthy! When a small child puts her clothes in the laundry basket instead of the floor.  Praise worthy!  When a struggling reader sounds out a hard word.  Praise worthy!  When a thoughtful husband replaces your windshield wipers without saying a word (at least not until two weeks later when I still hadn't figured out why they were working so much better ;-) ) Praise worthy! Excellent!  When the same husband gets up with the kiddos and lets me get an extra hour of sleep on an ordinary Saturday. Praise Worthy!! 

My final thought: when I think on those things that are excellent and praise worthy, my strength to do the next thing returns.  My spirits lift, and the sun shines warmly on my soul.  My soul is refreshed!! Excellent!! 




Thursday, February 1, 2018

Resiliency, conditioned response, or survival??

           I started this blog to journal our journey.  This entry to the blog may not be for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.  It is sadly our normal, and that's what prompted me to write this post.

           One of our wounded hearts has been acting out in a somewhat unusual way.  Unusual, because most families will never deal with this and if they do I suspect it would be with a toddler.  Our dear child has been experimenting with fecal matter, their own.  Removing it from their body and smearing it around our bathrooms.  This behavior has continued over the past six months or so.  It has varying degrees of frequency and intensity.  We have been working with all the professionals to help our child.  Currently the belief about this behavior is that our child is self soothing anxiety by doing this.  This child is very anxious and this makes sense.  When you do not have a foundation of being comforted when you are anxious, when needs go unmet and neglect is your 'normal' you do not learn healthy ways to cope with your emotions.

           I actually don't want this to be about this child's behavior but about our/my response to it.  This morning before taking my shower I went through a little routine.  First, I checked the toilet area, then the floor mat, then the towels and wash clothes I was going to use.  What was I checking for?  Fecal matter or smell.  At first finding these things, would make me angry, frustrated, even a feeling of violation.  This most private moment was often ruined by another person's mess!!  I was especially thrown into a mood when I went into this private space to enjoy a nice warm bath.  As the mother of nine, seven still at home, and many levels of trauma and need, baths are a sacred and special thing I get to do just for me.  Whenever, I would find the bathroom a mess and have to clean it and attempt to eliminate the odors before soaking in the tub....well, my mood was less than compassionate for my struggling child.


Lavender, Soap, Towels, Beauty, Bathroom

           Today I noticed something.  This little routine had become my normal.  After. just about half a year I had learned to cope and expect this behavior.  I had a plan for it and was prepared for it.  You might be thinking, "not me, I could never get used to that in MY bathroom!"  But here's the thing you don't know what you can endure until you have to, and our kiddos have endured a great deal. They have figured out ways to deal with the impossible, the crazy, the unimaginable.  Our kids may have endured years of unusual situations from their living conditions, treatment from other people, including trusted adults.  They have adapted their very routines to unbelievable situations.

         Our family has adapted to this behavior.  Most of us check the bathroom thoroughly, some of us have taken to hiding our towels in our bedrooms.  In just six months our thinking has been reprogrammed to  adapt.  Most of our kiddos spent years adapting to their normal.

         You see when a child comes into foster care they cannot just click a switch and changed their learned behaviors, their perceived reality.  There are deep, deep lessons learned in their hearts and minds about what to expect.  If they never had enough food they will believe they never will.  If they had to take care of certain expectations at school by themselves, they will believe they still must.  They can't simply trust that all that has changed and they are safe and those things will be taken care of now by someone else.

           The children we've adopted have all come with eating issues.  Mostly they would eat, and eat until nothing was left at every meal.  After, a few weeks to a month their stomachs were reprogrammed to know that another meal or snack would soon be coming.  Their minds...I think took a lot longer and most of them are still preoccupied with food. Sometimes I feel like a food vending machine, :-) "Mom, what's for snack, lunch, breakfast, dinner, dessert, etc."

Hygiene, Cleaner, Hygienic, Wash

           Here's the thing in just over six months my family has come to expect, plan for, and even adapt to something I never would have thought possible, and it has made me keenly aware of how deeply my children and many, many, many just like them have adapted to horrible things in their past.  It has renewed awareness and compassion and a desire to fight harder for all of my children.

        I hope this brings new awareness to what it is like to live with someone with a history of trauma.  They do not think the same as you do.  They need your compassion far more than your advice.  Love them, pray for them, help them to heal.