Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Is Christmas Broken? Are We?

This post is written for all the people who just can't feel Christmas this year.  For the ones who are saying things like, "I just can't get into the Spirit this year"  Or the person who is doing their very, very best to keep Christmas for the first time without a special loved one there.  For everyone thinking if only                I would be more excited about Christmas.  It is written for me, a reminder to myself that Christmas was never in the snow, the lights, the decorated tree, the gifts, etc.... and if you are one with limited funds to spend on Christmas this year and it is always tugging on your generous heart.... trust me when I tell you, "you are the gift your love ones want most.  You with your engaging smile, and welcoming spirit.  You with your infectious laughter and warmest of hugs."  Long after the taste of the cookies is gone from your little one's mouth, the memory of making them with you will remain.  

This Christmas may be raw for you.  It may be more painful than joyous. I know there is so much brokenness in our home this year.  While I look with anticipation at getting our tree and decorating it, I am also dreading it, too.   This year when we pull out the stockings with everyone's personal ornaments tucked in....two of my boys will not be here to put their ornaments on the tree.  (The story behind that will be in another post when the time is right.)  I will be giving one boy his ornaments to place on a different tree this year or keep for his own first tree.  The other little boy, may get to place his ornaments on our tree, but not as part of our family, and at this point he will not be able to be here with us Christmas morning to enjoy the stockings, the gifts under the tree, the feasting.... His Christmas and ours will be very different this year. 

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A fallen, broken world does not make a broken Christmas.   Our souls ache from wounds that cannot be shared and felt by anyone else.  Wounded people hurt other people....until their wounds are fully healed!!

That is where we need Christmas most.  Right in the middle of our wounds, the healing miracle of a savior, and God's amazing gift!!  I am fairly certain that first Christmas did not look anything like Mary or Joseph imagined when the angel announced to them the great gift God was giving them.  I have no idea what they were expecting, but if I was told I was giving birth to a king, to the King of Kings!  I would dream of promotion and a palace with many midwives, and hand maids attending to me.  I would never dream of a barn stall surrounded by animals, and the first visitors to see me after my body was ripped and torn...a group of smelly men, shepherds.  No, no, no...that is not the birth I would have dreamed.  And yet, that is exactly the way the greatest gift the world has ever been given came into the world.  

Maybe your Christmas doesn't match your dreams this year.  Maybe your heart is torn and aching, as Mary's body was ripped and aching.  Maybe the people around you, who should be caring for you, are not doing things the way you picture them doing them.  Maybe instead of handmaids bringing oils and perfumes, you are surrounded by smelly diapers, and dirty dishes, and late nights and no one to help you.  I don't know your hurts, but I know that Christmas is not broken.  God did not get it wrong on that first messy, dirty, dark Christmas and He will come right into the middle of your messy, dirty, dark Christmas and be the light your soul needs.  

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When all the pretty lights just hide all the hurting places, I pray you will let the light of Jesus into your heart and soul and know Christmas.  

Here are a couple quotes that have  ministered to my soul this Christmas:

           "Worry is always belief gone wrong.  Because you don't believe that God will get it right." 

           "Some days, when you feel brave, it's almost like you can reach through the pieces where your heart feels torn and touch the gentle peace of God." 

from  Ann Voskamp's Unwrapping the Greatest Gift There are so many more....every night I grow in wonder at how amazing the Gift of Christmas, Jesus, is to the world. 

Dear One, in that hard place,  Christmas is not broken, you are not broken.  Christmas can be both messy, hard, dark, dirty, and beautiful, amazing, light filled, and glorious!!  Because the same Savior who came into the dirty, dark, smelly manger will come into your messy, imperfect, not pinterest worthy life, and His very presence will sooth the torn and aching places in your heart.  Please, let Him in to heal the wounded places, let Him comfort the aches, and let Him be your constant companion, who will never leave you or forsake you.  

We don't have our tree up yet (gasp) and very little of my house is decorated!!  I know!!  So I think I'm behind.  Then I remember we don't get our tree until around the 15th of the month that gives us 17 days or so to really enjoy it, and then we are done.  I remember I like to decorate a little each day and have my children "find" the decorations when they come home from school.  My Christmas doesn't look like other people's and that's wonderful!!  We all come in my shapes and sizes, so do our Christmas trees and so does our Christmas. I pray your Christmas includes Jesus, because if it doesn't it will always be missing the most amazing peace.  

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!  


Monday, November 12, 2018

Nothing Works Unless You Do

I had a great plan,  I got off plan, again....
But guess what?  I can start again!  I can get back to the plan and work it! 

So I am back....

I have made progress, and with that progress I can share some more before and after pictures. 





I also have some more things going out of my house, so I have taken pictures of my free stuff for this post. 

Letter file/ inbox out box.  Three removable shelves.


Beautiful glass bowl with lid.  I just never use it, but it is very nice.

A couple of serving trays.  Both are plastic, white one is hard like melmac, the gold one is softer. 

My baby is five.  I don't think I need these anymore :-)  

These are actually a dark purple. Since they are plastic you can't use them in the oven, so  they really don't work for us.


This is one of those things I always keep when I am de-cluttering.  It is Pampered Chef.  The egg thing goes in your freezer and keeps things cold, it flips over to a smooth side too.  I just don't use it.  I am pretty sure I have the dividers to also use it as a chilled veggie tray.  

So all of the above items are free if you want them, comment or send me a message.  I have them in a box in the back of my vehicle.  The box goes to the second hand shop on November 18th.

I also have a menu plan for this week:
MONDAY:  Crispy Lickin' Chicken (S) w/ sweet potatoes (XO) 
TUESDAY:  Mama's Famous Meatloaf (made with three kinds of meat) (S); mashed potatoes for kids, mashed cauliflower for me 
WEDNESDAY:  Wipe Your Mouth BBQ (E) with brown rice
THURSDAY:  Parmesan crusted Tilapia (S)
FRIDAY:  Pizza (S)
SATURDAY:  Spaghetti Squash with meat sauce(S)
SUNDAY:  Lemon Herb Drummies (S)
** all meals are served with toss salad or a steamed veggie, kiddos can have bread and butter or fruit. 


I am going to share a couple of things that are working, and remind you why I need you to hold me accountable. :-) 

Last week I did a little freezer cooking, in preparation for the busy holiday season coming up, and to better keep myself on track with my Trim Healthy Mama eating plan. Actually, I followed this exact plan  https://thewellplannedkitchen.com/2015/10/23/15-trim-healthy-mama-freezer-meals-in-90-minutes   I am so happy with the results, and we have a bunch of healthy meals in our freezer in fact three of the meals we are eating this week came from this little cooking adventure.  It did take me two sessions, because I didn't have a full 90 minutes to complete the tasks. 

For motivation I have been following: www.theminimalmom.com on youtube.  Her videos are short and to the point.  They also help wash the fog from brain about "stuff". 

I have crashed in several if not all the areas of my life in the last two weeks.  I hate when I get into survival mode, and plunge to self destruct mode.  You know how it looks....first my schedule is overloaded so I grab some coffee and a breakfast sandwich from a fast food place, and then go straight to may-as-well-have-the-donut-too, mode.  I think being aware that I can stay on plan even when my schedule or life gets hard, in fact that is when I need it most.  I can promise you that the low blood sugar and coffee crash in the afternoon of an already full day, did not help at all.

So I will write when I am doing well, and when I am not doing well.  I will begin again and again and again until I crawl to the finish line if necessary.  I will try to write about this journey and continue to write about the Wounded Hearts and the journeys we are sharing. 

Until next time, God Bless.  And don't forget to let me know if you see something in my out box that would bless you!!


Thursday, October 25, 2018

All the Feels behind the blog

This is the nitty grit part of why I didn't write an update for over a month. 
This is transparency...
This is the part of writing the blog that may one day replace my therapist ;-)

Progress over Perfect

That's become my motto in the work on my home and my body, but my mind???
My mind still tells me terrible things, things like, "you failed, again," "you can't post now it's late, and you aren't even following your plan!" "you hypocrite." "you can't write a blog." "no one is reading it anyway..."  "Yeah, myself, is telling me ugly things, myself is telling me people will reject me, I am not good enough, my house is not like the other blog writers, I am not writing popular content, I am not .....   You get the idea.

So, this blog has to be more than just popular house cleaning content, or meal planning, or organization, or Godly womanhood, adoption, etc.  (It will likely contain all of that and more).

First, and foremost it started as a journey of the wounded hearts, including this wounded heart.

The wounded heart that was too paralyzed to write an update the moment it became 'late.'  The moment my pictures weren't taken.  What was holding me back, like shackles around my ankles and wrists? Fear!!  Mainly fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failing.  Let that just sit with you a minute.

Image result for free images shackles & chains

I want to write and share this journey with you, but the enemy of my soul has held me captive by this fear of rejection for so long....it is my go to response.

It is what has stopped me from stepping up to a more consistent role in women's ministry in my church, even though I long to empower every woman there....some might disagree with me, some might talk behind my back, some might not like me, some might not come to an event I plan.....on and on.... I know when I step out into ministry of any kind I put a target on my back, so I shrink back and only do the things I feel so passionate and so driven by God to do.

It is what has stopped me from writing about the darkest, hardest parts of our struggles in foster care and adoption (also, respect for the privacy of my family and their part of the stories).  While I know deep down in the depths of my soul that we are all wounded and we desire transparency and truth, more than beautiful houses, and meal plans.... I struggle to be vulnerable.  Truth is I thought I could be more vulnerable with people I hardly know, and one day maybe even strangers reading a blog post, than with those under my own roof, and even the one sharing my bed, because.....well...the rejection couldn't hurt as much, right?  That's why a therapist is easier to talk to .... they can't reject you, (Oh, and that degree, and years of school, that helps you sort through all your stinking thinking, so you can get to the other side and be the best version of you....that's pretty important too.)  Trust me it took me a few years to figure that out.  I was afraid even in that setting to be real, and vulnerable, because I wanted my therapist to like me.

The point is I recognize that this fear is a lie and it has kept me in bondage long enough, and I must push past it, become vulnerable, and believe that God has a good plan for my life, so I can live the life He has designed me to live, so I can write the content that I am supposed to write.

Image result for free images shackles & chains

You see another lie I have told myself is "there are so many blogs out there already, why would anyone one read mine? "  The answer: they don't need to, if I'm writing about the same things everyone else is...this is my story and that's the only reason to write it.  The good days, the hard days, the grace days, all of it is my story, and I am the only one who can tell it.

This story is imperfect and flawed, sometimes beautiful and sometimes messy, but it is worth documenting, worth sharing, and well worth living.  It is the abundant grace gift of an amazing Savior and Redeemer.

I hope you will continue to join me for the journey.



Thursday, October 18, 2018

A Done Something



"A done something is better than a perfect nothing."
Katherine at Do It on A Dime

"Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; 
haste makes mistakes."
Proverbs 19:2

So I posted my plan....  It was a  beautiful plan and the blog looked so good....

Then I missed my first deadline and then another week went by and so on and so forth...

I plan to write about all that in another blog post, "soon," but for this post I will give a quick update with before and after pictures, and a few give-a-ways.

The Home
I am not fully following the Organized 365 plan.   Honestly, it has me cleaning out cupboards and drawers, etc.  But my whole house is a big fat mess!! 
So I am starting by cleaning the surface clutter.  I am working every day at least a little bit on surface clutter.  Everyone in my family is a surface abusers.  If there is a flat surface anywhere it is a prime target for something to be put there "temporarily."  Things don't stay there temporarily, they breed and more things are set down and the pile spreads, until there isn't a flat surface to be found anymore.  
I personally grew up this way and I think when your vision becomes accustomed to the clutter you don't even notice it anymore.  Well, until you have guests coming and you look at your house with the eyes of a visitor and freak out!
My kiddos have grown accustom to this way of living and it is going to take much training to create the clean surfaces and lovely environment I crave. 



This is before an after pictures in my tiny kitchen.  I work really hard everyday to keep these counters clear.  I would say at least 85% of the time they look this way.

My Body
I have done well with my health and fitness goals.  
I wish I could stick to a plan for a couple weeks and lose 10 or 15 lbs, but the truth is it took years to pile it on and it may take years to get to my goal fitness weight/size.  I am hoping no more than two years.  
I have kept up with my workouts 3x each week.  I missed one, but I consider it still a success.  
I can see the progress in the following ways:  increased weights on several machines, increased speed and endurance as well as distance  on the exercise bike.  
Eating on plan about 98%  
I lost 5.2 pounds the first month and since my basic goal is 5 pounds/month...that's a success.  I will say the scale lies and I hate it, so my real goals are a clothing size and to find my knees :-)

The Give Aways
So here are the things leaving my home.  The truly sad part is with all of my decluttering efforts most of our stuff is just garbage or junk.  So I plug along and maybe there will be a few treasures along the way.
All of these are in good working order, but they are taking up too much space in my tiny broom closet.  I have switched almost completely to Norwex cleaning tools, including the mop.  I also have a full size rug shampooer now, so I no longer need the steam mop.  In order from left to right:  a steam mop with all the attachments and tools, including the ring so it can be used on rugs as well as solid floors; a spray mop with refillable canister, no need to buy a specific cleaner and two pads: two microfiber pads that slip over a mop I no longer have the mop; the red small mop is like a swiffer, add your own clothes and it works great (my kids love it for getting toys and dog bones from under the furniture); last is an o'cedar flip mop.  Again, these are all fine, but I use my Norwex and e-mop now. 

Yep, that's baby goodies.... the top two are for the carseat.  It is a very soft insert with detachable head piece. 
The bottom one is a cute duckie hooded towel that my daughter does not want to give up, sigh. 


Two pair of little girls size 10 shoes.  The sneakers are very nice New Balance, and the slip on canvas ones are still very nice play shoes, probably from Walmart.

One of our all time favorite books! We have several copies and this is the board book version in almost new condition.



Finally two really random items, I almost didn't even post, but there is nothing wrong with them, so...
The first is hard to see, but it is a macrame plant hanger in a burnt orange with a metal hanging ring;  the sunglasses are a sparkly silver over navy blue they were my extra car pair, and I just don't need them anymore

So these items are available absolutely FREE until October 26th.  Message, call, comment, let me know if you want any of these things. 
Hopefully as I get better at getting rid of things, I will have some more exciting treasures. 

The Meal Plan 

If you want to know what we are eating, here are our dinners for this week:


Monday - Cowboy Grub (E) - turkey; skillet
Tuesday - BLT Frittata (S) - bacon, eggs; skillet/oven
Wednesday - Slow Fajitas (E) - chicken; crockpot (I used my fast pot)
Thursday - Super Salmon Burgers (S) - canned pink salmon; stove top/grill
Friday - Pizza (S) - pepperoni, cheese, sausage; oven
Saturday - Creamy Chicken & Wild Rice Soup (E) - chicken; stovetop
Sunday - Rich & Tender Stew (S) - beef; crockpot
               Dessert - Trimtastic Chocolate Zucchini Cake (S) - oven 

All the recipes for these meals come from the Trim Healthy Mama Cookbook.  Again, I am not receiving any commissions or gifts for the things I share...this is just what I am doing. 


What's working and what's not
To be continued in another post...
God bless thanks for reading, and don't forget to follow if you don't want to miss future posts.


"You can make plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail."
Proverbs 19:21


Tuesday, September 4, 2018

The Plan week 1

Already a late start, but not really.  Today is the first day of my 100 day journey to wellness.  I am a little late getting this blog post up, but no worries I am on target with my new beginning.  I am not getting paid for any of the items I reference in my blog.  This is my personal plan of attack for the next 100 days.  Also, I will post items that are leaving my home on this blog and if you are local or want to pay for shipping I will give them to you, my goal is to get them out of my house.

So...without further ado here is the plan for this week and going forward.



Our Home:

I will be working through the Organized 365 program over the next 100 days.  Here's a link to her home page : Organized 365 I purchased this program a couple of years ago.  I did not pay the current price, but I invested a lot of money for me.  I listened to Lisa's podcast and renewed my mind for months before I ever spent any money.

I am also using the home management binder from Do It On a Dime  Do It On A Dime household binder  to keep on task with daily home maintenance while taking on the task of decluttering every room and surface.

Above picture also include some just too beautiful paper products I will be using as well.  I purchased these from my local Dollar General.

My Body:

I am using Trim Healthy Mama to plan all my meals and eat on plan for weight loss.  
I am working out at my local Snap Fit for fitness and strength.  I also plan to incorporate T Tapp exercise videos for toning and elongating my muscles.

This week's plan:
work out 3 x  Tu, Wed, Fri at Snapfit

Dinner Menu Plan: 
(in no particular order)
crockpot - Smarty - Pants Stroganoff (S)
crockpot - Wipe Your Mouth BBQ (E)
skillet - Cowboy Grub (E)
skillet - Taco Time (S)
salad - Grand Greek Salad (S)
salad - Layered Salad (from Saving Dinner cookbook modifying to make an (S))
Pizza - THM (S)

We always have Pizza on Friday nights and since THM has several options I can stay on plan and not feel deprived.  
All of the recipes are found in the Trim Healthy Mama cook book except for the Layered Salad.  We are having a church picnic this week and I really needed to find a dish to pass that would be rich enough so I wouldn't feel deprived passing up the other great dishes.  I chose an S salad, because I can look for some meat to pair with it and stay on plan.
Finally, if you are not familiar with the S, E, FP, XO letters please check out Trim Healthy Mama

My Soul (mind, will, emotions):

I will continue to work with my therapist on all my wounds, new and old.  I also hope/plan to work through two books. during this 100 hundred days:

Embraced by Lysa TerKeurst

Grace, Not Perfection by Emily Ley

Spiritual:

Anyone who knows me personally already knows this is the core of who I am.  Without Jesus and my Faith in His word, Who He is, and the Holy Spirit as my primary counselor, I am nothing.  So to go along with this truth here are two scriptures God has already given me to start this journey:

Proverbs 25:24 "It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home." 

No matter how lovely my home becomes, if it becomes more important than the people living in it, I have lost sight of what is most important. God had to show me this so I would not become a martyr about the work or get upset whenever someone messes up the spaces in our home.....I could do that 😜

Mark 8:36 (NLT) "And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?"

Very similar to the other verse, but more weighty.  I cannot make my home, my body, my meal plan, my workout, anything in this plan more important than the relationship I have with Jesus.  The relationship that gave me salvation and eternal life.  I am prone to idol worship,  no not the kind that looks like a statue or a shrine and I don't bow down and worship physical idols.  I DO put my hope and trust into people, situations, and stuff.  Things like, "as soon as the house is clean and organized, we'll all be happy."  OR "when I hit my goal weight and fitness level, I'll be happy and my marriage will be better."  God knows me so well, He is already warning me about the dangers of becoming focused on the outcome of the next 100 days, and how I could think it depends on me and when I complete it everything in life will suddenly be great.  

Life is just hard some times, God is good, and He knows how to keep  me humble.  

If you think I left out my family, oh no.  My prayer is this will give us a space to live life together, to do life well.





Wednesday, August 29, 2018

A New Beginning

This blog has always been about the journey; It is about the wounded hearts that I do life with; It is about my wounded heart and my journey to wholeness.  

The start of a new school year is the perfect time for a new beginning.  In fact I get way more excited about this New Year, than the one on January 1st.  And it is not because all the kiddos are going back to school! :-) 


Back To School Stock Photo

With that in mind I have decided to use this blog to hold myself accountable as I take on a journey of 100 days.  Somewhere I've read or heard that it takes 28 days to form a new habit.  I don't know if that is true for everyone.  I'm not sure I have ever stuck with anything for 28 days without cheating or taking a break or whatever... I have discovered about myself: I am not lazy, I have good ideas, I am strong willed, I have enough knowledge, but I am terribly undisciplined.  I have a love hate relationship with routines, schedules, and ruts.  I love the order and predictability they bring into my life, but I kind of hate that it is up to me to maintain them, I must follow them or they simply do not work!!  

Since, I have not stuck with anything for 28 days, I have decided to try to stick to three things for 100 days :-)  I know crazy, crazy, crazy.  But bear with me there is a method to my madness, sort of.  

From the year 2007 - 2013 we added seven family members to our household, these were the forever family people, not the temporary travelers.  These people came with a lot of "stuff."  We have spent the better part of the last five years dealing with the stuff trauma brings.  The wounded hearts, minds, souls, and sometimes bodies.  We will be dealing with all that "stuff" for the rest of our journeys this side of glory.  At times the mental and emotional needs of our family were almost all consuming, like a fire that eats everything in its path.  My time and energy have been swallowed in one all consuming need followed by another.  We have never been without a need to be met for more than a short period of time.  In fact right now we are battling on two different fronts.  Perhaps one of the most intense emotional times of my entire life, but the fact remains, meals must be eaten, laundry must be done, we must maintain a safe amount of clean, and life must go on day by day.


1000 Rpm Stock Image

Here's the thing along with all the soulish (mind, will, & emotions) stuff that comes with adding family members there is a lot of tangible "stuff" too.  Clothes, shoes, toys, books, hobbies, pictures, papers a lot of papers!! I have used so much energy on the soulish things I have long neglected the physical things.  I have also neglected my physical well being.  I grab a meal, a snack on the run, collapse at the end of the day in front of the TV and scarf down junk food...to try to fill the emptiness of another difficult day.  All the while neglecting fresh air, exercise, and feeding my body life giving foods.  The result is a house full of clutter, and a body hidden under the clutter of pounds and pounds of fat.

The time has come to do something about the life I'm living and the life I want to live.  The time has come to live our family version of the abundant life Jesus died to give us.  I don't believe Jesus died to give us abundant stuff, or abundant fatty bodies.  I believe it is for freedom we have been set free and part of that freedom for me must be freedom to live!  To live free of stuff that doesn't add value to my life, free to play and laugh and enjoy my family, free to live a long life of health and strength.  

This school year I will have more freedom than I have had in 30+ years.  For the first time since I became a mother,  I will not have a child home during school hours.  I will send my people off to school each morning and greet them warmly at the end of their days.  School starts on Sept. 4th, and I will be embarking on a journey to a life of less is more.  

Over a year ago I invested in Organized 365's 100 Day Home Organization Challenge.  I have dabbled in it seeing some results, but I have never completed all 100 days.  The next 100 days just happens to start on Sept. 3rd.  How convenient is that?  So in my already crazy mind I decided to piggy back that challenge with my challenge to take back my body and get fit for the life I want.  So.....I will be challenging myself to follow the Trim Healthy Mama eating plan and exercise using T Tapp videos and my Snap Fit membership to get my body into the best shape I can at my age for the same 100 days. 


Fitness Girls Free Stock Photos

Also, as I already mentioned I am not very good at sticking with anything for very long. This time I have decided to use this blog to keep me accountable ....ouch.  My plan is to post weekly on my efforts, that means pictures of the clutter and mess, menu plans and what I actually eat, a log of exercise successes, before and afters from my home and even of my body.  (ooo, that was hard to type...like really hard...do I really want THAT MUCH accountability?)  No, but I do need it.  Hopefully, this whole experience will help me to develop the discipline I need to follow through on all the other goals I set for myself.  

Look for weekly posts to start on Sept 2nd in the evening/night time.  If you don't want to miss any of my messy journey to more abundant life with less, hit that follow button at the top right side of this page. As an added bonus I will post some of the items I am getting rid of and if you are a local follower and would like the item(s) you can message me and you have 10 days to come get it or it will go to the second hand shop.  I have a hard time giving away items that are still in good shape and usable, because I think someone might need it. So to ease my conscience I'm giving you a chance to take my stuff off my hands :-)  

By His grace I will not grow weary or faint of heart on this journey. 


Friday, May 4, 2018

So at the end of the day...


So at the end of the day…my mind screams “failure, fraud!”; my husband feels betrayed, my kids are scared and insecure, my house is always a mess, and my body betrays secret eating binges and failures of discipline.  This battle in my mind is so overwhelming, I want to hide in my bedroom, pull the blankets over my head and cry, but no there is dinner to fix. 

As I work through the needs that must be met.  I see the truth first through a fog and then more clearly.  It doesn’t scream like the declarations of failure.  It is softly spoken in gentle reminders and constant actions.  The husband who struggles with his own feelings of rejection and betrayal takes the children outside to play, their voices carry into the house, but I am free to cook dinner without distraction or tripping over one of these beloved.  The child who utters with a mouth full of food, “you’re a good cook mom.”  (blackened salmon, roasted sweet potatoes, and green beans, with freshly baked zucchini bread).  Even the cool July day, perfect for baking is a blessing if you take the time to be thankful.  The small success of a four year old who eats all seven green beans.  The heart successes of recognizing that the bouncy loud boy who’s acting out really just needs a hug, but will never ask for one, so I remember to ask, and he takes it and returns a half an hour later to ask for another one. 

How does a day begin with coffee and scriptures that jump off the pages of my Bible and straight into my heart nearly end with my own head proclaiming, “failure, fraud”?  I guess quite honestly, I look at what I can do, and I see all my short comings.  I forget that the promises spoken this morning were never about what I can do, but what He will do. 

Verses like Psalm 138:7- 8 “Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies.  You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life – for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.  Don’t abandon me, for you made me. “

And this from 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 “We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it.  In fact we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God, who raises the dead.  And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again.  We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us.  And you are helping us by praying for us.  Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.” 

Both these passages were part of my quiet time this morning and yet twelve hours later I am believing “failure, fraud.”  Because truth is I am both those things, but the one who saved me, rescued, redeemed, and forgave me is neither of them.  He is faithful!!

*Many of my posts will not fit a timeline.  They come from my journals, my daily inspirations and struggles.  I share them when I am ready.  So recently could mean in the last three years, etc.  So this was in July, somewhere in the past.... The truth contained in it are valid for today.  

Saturday, April 21, 2018

We wouldn't know the difference

Recently, (and in this blog that could be anything from this morning to last year :-)) I had one of those really special rare moments along the journey of motherhood:

I was enjoying a sweet Sunday afternoon nap, (don't judge, it's self care 101).  My sweet four year old came to "snuggle" with me.  Her version of snuggling and mine are very different.  Soon she was making silly noises and talking loudly.  I placed my hand over her mouth and she made one of those obnoxious sounds that can only be made by blowing, vibrations on a hand or from your backside.  Yep, in our house we call it "fart" noises :-) Which were followed by belly giggles and more of the same sounds, and repeat, for way longer than I would typically continue this silly behavior.  You know like when a little dog wants to play fetch the little rubber ball, long after the fun is gone for the person throwing the ball.  I laughed right out loud with her.  I don't laugh often enough and this wasn't lost on her.  She looked at me and said, "why are you laughing?" I said something like, "because you are silly and I like laughing with you." We laughed and giggled some more.  I looked deep into her little pixie face and her bright blue eyes, which meant being very close to that face, because I wasn't wearing my glasses.  This beautiful gift of a child.  This sassy, crazy, wild, child.  You see we didn't have to say yes.  She came to us a different way.

She reminds me of a song I heard many years ago at a woman's retreat, a song I have never heard again.  There was a line in the song talking about God's creation, "He could have made everything black and white and we would never known the difference."  Just as that song was being sung the sun set on the lake in one of those glorious sunsets with colors from deep violet, to mango, and pink blush.  The blue water of the lake only emphasized the beauty, every woman in the room was staring at the sunset, as that song ended.
<img src="http://www.freeimageslive.com/galleries/nature/sky/pics/skyclounds02531.jpg">
<img src="http://www.freeimageslive.com/galleries/nature/sky/pics/skyclounds02531.jpg">

Here's the thing this little girl and most of my children were a choice we made.  But especially her.  We were fostering two of her siblings at the time, her birth mom became pregnant for her.  At first we were thinking of saying "no" to bringing home an infant when we were 47.  But we were told the other two children would need to go wherever the infant was placed.  We talked, we prayed, and we said, "yes."  In those moments when she is close to me and the belly giggles are abundant I look into that little face, and think "wow, I could have missed all this."  Truth is I wouldn't have missed her like you do a child you have loved and lost.  I would have gone on my way nearly every single day not knowing what I was missing, because ... well, you don't miss what you never had.  How precious that  God gave us color just for our pleasure, how precious this child and all of my children color my world, and their hand prints are all over my heart.  <3

This same feeling washes over me when I look up and see all seven of the children still at home stretched out on furniture and floor watching  an episode of "Andy Griffith" or a family movie.  I am filled with awe and gratefulness when our 16 year old sits next to me in the car and has to tuck his knees to fit into the seat, or he bends from his six foot plus height to hug me good night.  I am abundantly blessed.

Because this blog is all about the journey, I should also include a little more about the week before the cuddles and giggles with my four year old. This blog isn't called Chasing Wounded Hearts for nothing, it's our journey!! All these things happened in one week, yep seven days, seven kiddos, and a mom and dad who love them and each other,  so in no particular order:
  • Child off meds for three days
  • one child to ER for head injury - glued together
  • one child lost computer privileges at school for generating a document that could be called cyber bullying (he was naive and did not make most of the comments on the document, but)
  • homeschool ups and downs with one child
  • I had to re-certify part of our health insurance
  • Back door pulled off hinges
  • dishwasher broke - won't drain
  • my hormones are making me CRAZY!! menopause stinks
  • Strong willed four year old - is there any other kind?
  • telling three brothers their mom is trying to get custody of their 1/2 brother, the one they are in contact with and see at least every month
  • telling son his birth dad was recently in the hospital
  • baseball, t-ball and track practices
  • missing shoes and permission slips 
  • my own health issues
And some good things too:
  • Countless hugs & snuggles
  • laundry successes (see previous post)
  • laughter
  • coffee & conversations with my hubby
  • belly laughs and what we could have missed.   

LIFE IS ABUNDANT AND SOMETIMES HARD!


Aren't you glad God made sunsets, sunrises, rainbows, and seasons....Oh, Fall in all it's glorious color praises the Lord, and so can we!


http://www.freeimageslive.com/galleries/nature/weather/pics/autumn_leaves_00195.jpg


Tuesday, April 10, 2018

My laundry is done!




Do you see those empty appliances?  That's how I know my laundry is done.  Yes, there is still dirty laundry in my house. I'm sure there are more than a few socks hiding under beds and in closets, but for this week my laundry is done!  I will not be thinking about it again until Sunday night (it is Tuesday morning).  Thanks to a wonderful book: 
How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind: Dealing with Your House's Dirty Little Secrets 
I tried something new.  Once a week laundry.  The first week, my husband and I worked like some people work on  a remodeling project.  We washed, dried, and folded laundry, every day for five days!!  The second week I did the same thing for 2 1/2 days.  This week I really could have been done Monday night, but I didn't want to fold the last load of laundry at 10 o'clock at night.  

I feel like a new woman!  I feel a huge burden has lifted off my shoulders.  If you don't understand my excitement then chances are you don't struggle with laundry and you can stop reading right now, because you won't "get it."

I have struggled with laundry all my life!  Adding other people and their laundry/clothing needs to my routine .... well, lets just say it has never been pretty.  I did laundry everyday! But it was never done, and people did not necessarily have clean socks and underwear when they needed them.  This always made me feel like a terrible mom.
The laundry was never done, but constantly in motion.  There were always piles of dirty laundry on my kitchen floor ('cause that's where my washer and dryer live.), there were always piles of clean folded laundry and baskets of clean laundry waiting to be folded in my dining room.  Dirty laundry was in every bedroom and in the bathroom hamper.  Occasionally, baskets of laundry made it to the living room couch or floor or both.  That laundry reminded me every day that I wasn't keeping up.  More mornings than I want to think about my children and I would be pawing through baskets of clean laundry to find socks, or a uniform shirt, or.... I have maintained a large laundry basket full of mismatched socks, for way too long, because I might find the matching socks, and because I never seemed to want to match them.  With the help of a sweet friend we mated socks for an entire afternoon during the five day renovation project called "laundry." I'm giving our new system a couple more weeks and any mismatched socks that remain are going in the trash.  Freedom!  I feel free to do this because I now know that all (most) of the dirty laundry has been washed, and my family has enough socks in their drawers already.  

I'm also excited about this new system because now it is Tuesday.  Without the pressure of rebooting laundry or moving it from place to place I can address other areas in my home, like the piles of never ending paper.  I am free for another 5 - 6 days to do other things.  Bake, food prep, clean out a drawer in the kitchen, whatever my happy little heart sees a need to do.  

I finally see how I can start to sort through my kiddos clothing and eliminate the truly unneeded.  Before they may actually have needed 20 pairs of underwear, but now that seems unnecessary and borderline ridiculous.  I now have a good idea how many pairs of jeans they actually own.  Freedom!!

Yep, I'm almost giddy about this new laundry system, which was probably very close to what our grandmother's did.  I am also excited, because God has been showing me for a few weeks now, that I am to "occupy the land" he has given me.  I am doing my own little study of the first few chapters of Deuteronomy, because that's where God has me right now, and I'm seeing time after time when the Lord said, "obey" and "occupy" the land.  For me it boils down to Owning My Own Life and taking control of it, embracing it...don't be afraid of it...do it the way God shows me.  

There is so much freedom in following God's ways, and in embracing our own lives.  

Thursday, April 5, 2018

We have to live the life we have

We recently took a family vacation.  Our family is definitely large, but our children can also only handle so much.  There were many struggles. Most of the disappointments were because I had expectations that didn't fit our family.  To continually stay in the moment and enjoy my family and make memories for my family I had one recurring thought.  "We have to live the life we have"  This is who we are and we can't pretend to be something we are not.  Every day is different.
It would seem there is a book written for every situation you might face.  What ever your family or personal struggle might be there's a book for it.  If you are struggling with gratitude you can read "One Thousand Gifts" by Anne VosKamp.  If you are struggling with loving in the face of fear, I highly recommend "Keep Your Love On" by Danny Silk.  There are books on parenting, marriage, homeschooling, housekeeping, spiritual growth, weight loss, exercise, and on and on the list goes.  The problem with so many of these books is that when you finish reading them you can compare your life to the books.  I walk away from so many of these books with a a "To Do" list that leaves me feeling inadequate and sometimes a failure when I cannot Do the "To Do's".

Recently, I read a wonderful book.  This lovely mom raised her kids with candle light, lovely music, tea, and cookies.  I knew I couldn't pull that off even on the best of days.  But I really believed I could pick my children up from school on a Friday, buy some munchkins at the coffee shop, make hot chocolate and just put a pause on our busyness for a few minutes once a week.  I had visions of pleasant conversation (loud but pleasant).  As soon as I picked up my children from school, the fighting and bickering began. Fights over seats, and placement of backpacks.  All the silly unrelenting sibling bickering, continued through the drive thru, and then all the way home. When we got home everyone forgot how to put away lunches and backpacks, and the bickering continued while the water heated on the stove top.  Finally, we got all the children to the table, we filled cups with powdered hot cocoa mix, added the piping hot water, and a little milk to cool the beverage for the little ones...I skipped the music, because it was loud enough.  I stepped from the room and rushed back to screams from our littlest child.  She had poured her hot chocolate down the front of herself.  I stripped off her clothes quickly rushed her into the bathroom to cool her skin with cold water.  All this excitement lead to a call to the doctor's office and some quick decision making about the seriousness of her burn and the best course of treatment.  The pause I longed for would have to wait for another day....
I can learn to accept the limits as I did on that vacation or I can embrace the disappointment and frustration.  Honestly, I struggle....I do both, but I tend to end the day frustrated and disappointed that we can't have a "normal" life.  But I am realizing that I am as much a part of the problem as my kiddos.  I have to remind myself all day long that this is "Our Life," it does not look like anyone else's.

It is now Spring Break, but that is just what the calendar calls it.  It is cold and windy, and this morning we have snow.  We have been struggling for over two weeks to get a prescription filled, so one of our wounded hearts is struggling with EVERYTHING.  There have been blanket forts, and donuts, and a couple creative boys made wind sails for their scooters...they worked too! But there have also been more fights than I can count:  fights over blankets, bowls, seats, TV shows, toys, books, toaster use, tape, etc, etc, etc,   Arguing, and back talk,  I have been doing a lot of yelling. :-(
We even went to a Science Center.  One of my kids (the one off his meds)  took off and ran through the Science Center when he found out it was time to leave.  It took 20 mins to corral all our kiddos.

Life is hard, my wounded hearts struggle, I am the biggest wounded heart of all, but we do things!  Hopefully, we make memories, and at the end of the day they sleep!!    I know that  two or three of my kiddos will fall apart when we go to the Science Center, but we go.  Our trip is over an hour, so I hope and pray that they sleep or at least decompress on the trip home, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  I Expect it, so it doesn't frustrate me.  I prepare for it, the long drive, snacks, coffee for me, an audio tape in the tape player, etc.  I am prepared for the fall out, and it does not unnerve me.  Now if I can get to the place where I am prepared for cold Spring breaks, loud bouncy boys stuck inside (although I have also kicked them all outside, too), fights over pillows, cups, and chores... I will be better able to accept "our normal" and approach it with grace and more patience, less yelling.
It's our journey, good days, hard days, and it won't always be this way.

Blessings on your journey, where ever you are in this season of life.





Saturday, February 17, 2018

What are you doing Presidents week?

Someone posted the question on facebook.  What are you doing over break week? and don't say work.
Calendar Concept royalty-free stock photo

My first thought was:  I will cook 27 meals for 7 - 9 people, and at least 18 snacks; I will take the dog out, I will let the dog in, at least 63 times; I will settle more arguments than I can count over who pours the milk, picks the TV show, clothing items, etc. etc; I will clean spills and take toys away from the dog and children who are fighting; I will listen to whining and fighting; I will clean up puppy prints from the mud, and even more mud tracked in by the feet of seven kiddos, some little feet some much larger than mine.  I will fold mountains of laundry and remind the owners to put them away. 

Then I thought:  I can't post that on social media.  I need to say something more face book worthy, something like:  I will read lots of books and snuggle with my littles; we will take a day to do something fun with some friends (probably the Science Center); we will bake some yummy snacks, we will sleep late(r); we will not go to therapy appointments, counseling appointments, school activities; we will just be together; if I'm feeling really brave we will play some board games; we may stay up later and watch more of the Olympics; we will watch movies and eat popcorn;  we will stay in our jammies longer; we will linger over our meals; we will sing loud and off key, we will dance and we will laugh!!

The truth is both of these responses are 100% true.  We will do all of these things, and perhaps more.  Why is my first response all the hard things?  Why doesn't the second thought come first?  Why don't they tumble together like our lives really do?  It's not that I'm a negative person, but somehow lately I am counting the wrong things.  I'm counting appointments, meals, baskets of laundry, etc.  I'm not counting my blessings.  Those same things can be blessings - we get to eat 27 meals in the next nine days!! We are so blessed to live in this country and have so much yummy food available and affordable for us. 

I hope this week brings lots of good things and I pray that life and God will continue to remind me to look for the blessings. 

Philippians 4:8 NLT "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." 

Excellence can come in the mundane and small.  I tend to look for it in the grand and extraordinary, but an excellent cup of coffee, a perfectly formed bud, a clean kitchen, aren't they all excellent!!

If I look for it my children and husband do things all the time that are praiseworthy.  When a big brother reads a story at bedtime to a sleepy (possibly even a bit whiny) little sister, Praise worthy! Excellent!! When a little boy cleans up the dogs muddy foot prints without being asked!  Praise worthy! When a small child puts her clothes in the laundry basket instead of the floor.  Praise worthy!  When a struggling reader sounds out a hard word.  Praise worthy!  When a thoughtful husband replaces your windshield wipers without saying a word (at least not until two weeks later when I still hadn't figured out why they were working so much better ;-) ) Praise worthy! Excellent!  When the same husband gets up with the kiddos and lets me get an extra hour of sleep on an ordinary Saturday. Praise Worthy!! 

My final thought: when I think on those things that are excellent and praise worthy, my strength to do the next thing returns.  My spirits lift, and the sun shines warmly on my soul.  My soul is refreshed!! Excellent!! 




Thursday, February 1, 2018

Resiliency, conditioned response, or survival??

           I started this blog to journal our journey.  This entry to the blog may not be for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.  It is sadly our normal, and that's what prompted me to write this post.

           One of our wounded hearts has been acting out in a somewhat unusual way.  Unusual, because most families will never deal with this and if they do I suspect it would be with a toddler.  Our dear child has been experimenting with fecal matter, their own.  Removing it from their body and smearing it around our bathrooms.  This behavior has continued over the past six months or so.  It has varying degrees of frequency and intensity.  We have been working with all the professionals to help our child.  Currently the belief about this behavior is that our child is self soothing anxiety by doing this.  This child is very anxious and this makes sense.  When you do not have a foundation of being comforted when you are anxious, when needs go unmet and neglect is your 'normal' you do not learn healthy ways to cope with your emotions.

           I actually don't want this to be about this child's behavior but about our/my response to it.  This morning before taking my shower I went through a little routine.  First, I checked the toilet area, then the floor mat, then the towels and wash clothes I was going to use.  What was I checking for?  Fecal matter or smell.  At first finding these things, would make me angry, frustrated, even a feeling of violation.  This most private moment was often ruined by another person's mess!!  I was especially thrown into a mood when I went into this private space to enjoy a nice warm bath.  As the mother of nine, seven still at home, and many levels of trauma and need, baths are a sacred and special thing I get to do just for me.  Whenever, I would find the bathroom a mess and have to clean it and attempt to eliminate the odors before soaking in the tub....well, my mood was less than compassionate for my struggling child.


Lavender, Soap, Towels, Beauty, Bathroom

           Today I noticed something.  This little routine had become my normal.  After. just about half a year I had learned to cope and expect this behavior.  I had a plan for it and was prepared for it.  You might be thinking, "not me, I could never get used to that in MY bathroom!"  But here's the thing you don't know what you can endure until you have to, and our kiddos have endured a great deal. They have figured out ways to deal with the impossible, the crazy, the unimaginable.  Our kids may have endured years of unusual situations from their living conditions, treatment from other people, including trusted adults.  They have adapted their very routines to unbelievable situations.

         Our family has adapted to this behavior.  Most of us check the bathroom thoroughly, some of us have taken to hiding our towels in our bedrooms.  In just six months our thinking has been reprogrammed to  adapt.  Most of our kiddos spent years adapting to their normal.

         You see when a child comes into foster care they cannot just click a switch and changed their learned behaviors, their perceived reality.  There are deep, deep lessons learned in their hearts and minds about what to expect.  If they never had enough food they will believe they never will.  If they had to take care of certain expectations at school by themselves, they will believe they still must.  They can't simply trust that all that has changed and they are safe and those things will be taken care of now by someone else.

           The children we've adopted have all come with eating issues.  Mostly they would eat, and eat until nothing was left at every meal.  After, a few weeks to a month their stomachs were reprogrammed to know that another meal or snack would soon be coming.  Their minds...I think took a lot longer and most of them are still preoccupied with food. Sometimes I feel like a food vending machine, :-) "Mom, what's for snack, lunch, breakfast, dinner, dessert, etc."

Hygiene, Cleaner, Hygienic, Wash

           Here's the thing in just over six months my family has come to expect, plan for, and even adapt to something I never would have thought possible, and it has made me keenly aware of how deeply my children and many, many, many just like them have adapted to horrible things in their past.  It has renewed awareness and compassion and a desire to fight harder for all of my children.

        I hope this brings new awareness to what it is like to live with someone with a history of trauma.  They do not think the same as you do.  They need your compassion far more than your advice.  Love them, pray for them, help them to heal.