I have a lot of other content in my head right now for this blog. I want to be real, authentic, but I also want to protect my children's stories. This will always be a challenge, because our stories will always be interwoven. This post may not be as protective as I would like, but it needs to be shared all the same. It is time!
I have kept my mouth shut for as long as I can !!
Fair WARNING this is going to be a rant!!
If you don't want to read it keep scrolling.
We became foster parents nearly 13 years ago. Our heart was to come along side families and strengthen them, and possibly adopt if we had the opportunity.
We did adopt, six children! We knew each one before we signed the papers to adopt. We knew their challenges and some of their traumas, etc. We also knew we loved them. All of them!!
Our adoptions had unprecedented post adoption contact and visitation provisions, for our county, and possibly for our state, because we recognized and understood how knowing their birth families deeply loved and cared for these children even if they could not take care of them was important. We understood birth family connections, and the long term effects of rejection on children who have been adopted. We wanted our kids to know they were loved by everyone, but sometimes love is not enough, and sometimes the most loving choice is the hardest choice any parent could ever make. Our county workers applauded our open adoptions and the strengths we had working with birth parents. Our county officials helped pack the court house at all three of our adoptions.
We are not perfect. You do not add 7 family members in 6 years to your family without some struggles. We have had losses and fought through dark days in ourselves and in our children. But we kept putting one foot in front of the other and loving and doing our very best even when our very best was so inadequate. We have fought to preserve our family, while making so many sacrifices along the way. You see foster care and adoption are messy. Every day you deal with wounded people, and discover new wounds in yourself and deal with old wounds you thought were healed, or forgot existed. Foster parents are not super humans. We have good days and not so good days. In our case our motives were sincere, to help our children become the best human beings they could, and to overcome the traumas and family cycles. We did and continue to do the best we can, like all parents everywhere.
Out of six adopted children, we have had all of them in counseling at one time or another. We have kids on mental health medications; we have a child with learning and physical challenges. You don't know what you don't know, until you need to know it. We have had to navigate an array of challenges we never faced with our two birth sons. The most complicated being the mental health system. There just aren't enough services and training for kids with trauma and the parents trying to help them.
Maybe, we took on too much. Maybe, we said yes too often. Maybe, doesn't change where we are today.
Where we are today is the ugliest place I have been throughout my entire life and throughout the 13 years we have been foster parents. I am sharing this publicly for two reasons, one the foster care system needs to change, and two I am angry as hell.
One of our sons has been especially challenging from day one. Trauma and DNA have left him so deeply wounded, with coping skills that are not helping him. He is not a bad kid. He is a wounded, traumatized, neglected, possibly abused and definitely scared young man. At the age of three he could not be comforted by loving arms. At the age of 4 he had to be held tight to stay safe during fits of rage that lasted from a few minutes up to 45 minutes. I read books, attended special trainings, took him to doctor's appointments, evaluations. He started on medications, and mental health counseling. Melatonin saved us from 1 - 2 hour bedtime melt downs. We fought hard and long to help this child. His needs have always been more than our natural instincts and abilities could match. But in moments of connection and calm we could see the child behind the hurt. The beautiful, smart, tenacious, creative, person, waiting to take charge, but then the coping skills, the fear, the need to control and the rage took over again. This child has a war inside him, that he can never escape (although he tries through video games and TV), the only time he is quiet.
So, we have tried to help all of our children, but especially this one. Three years ago a variety of things were happening in our home and with visits, etc. (I make no excuses for our home environment, we hit a dark and tragic place, and we were still in recovery from it). This child's behaviors were escalating, and again I started to navigate the "system" to get him more help, services, help for our family. Meds, were changed, we increased counseling, etc. I did what I knew and I called on every resource I was given. The mental health system for minors is inadequate at best and truthfully neglectful. My husband and I were both in counseling, we were fighting for our marriage and our family. (this is no exaggeration).
So, two years ago we were planning a family vacation and this child's behaviors had come to the place where we were unsure if we should even take him on our family vacation. If you have a child with special needs you may understand if not you will think we are terrible for even thinking this way. That's what I thought too. What kind of parent would leave one of their children with someone else to go on a family vacation? so we all went. And we were basically held hostage by this child's behaviors. If it was something he wanted to do he was great, if not we listened to fits of rage. He would use the balcony and a closet to scream his head off. We spent way to much time inside our condo, while he watched TV or played video games. He fought and argued with everyone.
We enjoyed moments of this vacation, but mostly we survived it.
On the night we arrived home, this child committed a crime at only 12 years old. The investigating detective read him and me our miranda rights and then told me, "now he would be in handcuffs if he was 16" I share this part because a crime was committed! The crime was committed in our home and some of our children were no longer safe. (I won't share anymore, because it is not only my story to tell). The point is a crime was committed.
We took our son to a community respite while we tried to figure out what was best for everyone. How, we could help him and how we could keep our other children safe in the future. I expected this to be a short term situation. Although, again, I was navigating completely unknown territory. There were appointments, evaluations, more counseling for everyone. Things did not get sorted out quickly, weeks, turned into months.
I went back to the same people who I had gone to all those years as a foster parent whenever I got stuck. Our local DSS. They sent my son for an evaluation. The recommended services from that evaluation did not exist in our county or possibly even in our state. It was like trying to fill a prescription for a drug that was still in the testing phase. While in theory it was the best possible treatment, it was unavailable to our family and our son. Meanwhile, our son lingered in the community respite situation while I tried to navigate, pretty much alone, services for everyone. I took my son to every appointment, he had regular visits in our home, as soon as the other children felt safe. I relied on therapists and professionals to guide us in each step of increasing visits and contacts. I picked my son up at school and brought him home to have lunch with me and to see his dog. I never gave up on this child. But I also followed the advice I was being given, and my gut and and did not bring him home to live.
Meanwhile, we started to see a change in our home . All of us started to relax. Some of the other children started to open up and talk, real talk. We could sleep at night, and take naps without one eye open. Our other children could play in their bedrooms for the first time ever. Our family meals, while loud, were peaceful, and we could have real conversations. We found ourselves able to breathe for the first time in years. Forgive us all, but we liked it. While we miss him and love him, the peace that came over our home and the opening up and even blooming in our other children was wonderful. We functioned like a crazy large family with all the daily challenges and struggles, but we also thrived and relationships bloomed. (I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture here. There were still crazy hard days, and we are all still wounded and working through our hurts. But we definitely started to see more good days than bad days, and it felt good.)
To make this a little shorter, because believe me I could make it a lot longer....
We finally, placed this child in Foster Care voluntarily. His community respite provider requested he be removed. He had been there for 13 mos (community respite is typically a week or two). The therapists, and professionals were still telling us they did not believe it was safe to bring him into our home. So once again we listened to the experts and we placed him into DSS custody. Something DSS has continued to remind us of at every meeting and opportunity. Even though this was a voluntary placement, we have had our phone calls monitored from day one. We had to have DSS approval for all visits. He was placed 45 minutes from our home, and we had to continue all transportation. Every conversation from the very start has included the phrase "do you really want him back" in one form or another.
Today, I received a permanency hearing report for our upcoming court date (which will be by phone, because the courts are not open yet) and everything in it is a twisted version of the truth at best and out and out lies, by omission at least. We have been vilified and treated horribly by the same people who once applauded, literally, our efforts as foster parents and adoptive parents.
Our now voluntary placement of our child into foster care is being recommended as a placement by the department and we are expected to complete complete psychiatric evaluations! We are now the ones with mental health problems! The crime our son committed is being referred to as alleged, because he was never formally charged, but DSS has told people that I lied and exaggerated the crime, because I did not want my child in my home.
Here's where I get really angry!! We had three therapists recommending our son not return home when we placed him in foster care, our lawyer agreed with the therapists. We had two therapists recommending a certain type of treatment at this time as well. We paid for a completely unbiased professional evaluation to be done just weeks before placing the child in DSS custody. This evaluation was completed and the results came back days after his placement. The Department completely rejected this evaluation and went back to the Professional who did the first evaluation with a recommendation for treatment that did not actually exist. They also stopped all therapy sessions with the specialized therapist and did not replace those specialized therapy sessions for almost four months, at which time the therapist who replaced that therapist was the same one who evaluated him. This therapist continues to make recommendations contrary to the other four therapists, and it is this therapist that is recommending my husband and I have psychiatric evaluations. Our permanency hearing report states that we want treatment for our son that a couple of therapists do not recommend, and that we won't bring our son home until he gets this specific treatment and even names a specific place (which is our preference, because of the great work they do both with the boys and with the families, but certainly not the only option.) Of course the report doesn't mention the four therapists/psychologist that do recommend this level of treatment. This therapist has never talked to my husband and has not had any contact with me since she began treatment of my son. We are not allowed to make any decisions for our son. We did not want our son to see this therapist, because of her past recommendations and honestly, her preferred relationship to the county. We put this request in writing, and not only were we ignored, but they started our sons treatment without our knowledge. Remember this was a VOLUNTARY placement, our son was never removed from our care because of something we did wrong.
We are willing to pay for treatment for our son. We are willing to continue training and education for ourselves. We are aware it is going to be a challenge and we may need some help to return our child to our home. We have become accustom to a more peaceful home and we will need to help him use learned coping skills in a family setting. We know the road ahead is a challenging one for our son and for all of us.
So why this long post? We are not being heard, our son is still not being helped, and this county would rather vilify us for placing him back into foster care than help our family. I am angry!! This is relatively calm, but I assure you when I read through the court document today my blood was boiling and words came out of my mouth, that would shock many of you that know me. I am sorry to say that my language was very colorful.
This department is more concerned with winning and being "right" than with the needs of our son and our family. The course they are on may well end with them winning. But rest assured our son will lose if the have their way, and the children in our home will suffer another loss, their brother. We have been given, no signed up for, the very difficult task of parenting children who have suffered trauma at a very young age and need gigantic amounts of love and support. This is only one of the children we have chosen to love and support. The energy level we need to continue is sometime overwhelming.
Finally, I am being vulnerable by posting this, please be kind in your comments. I will not tolerate hate, even towards DSS. I don't hate them. I want them to understand. I think change is needed to the system, but I hate no one, and will not tolerate hateful language.
