Monday, September 7, 2020

Beginn-ings and all the th-ings

I am inspired to make this a real blog again.  I have a sweet friend with the same first name, who is recording a weekly vlog.  She has been so transparent about that struggle, and inspired me to just write. So...not everything I write will be great, but I will share our journey. 

September always brings a newness, a fresh start, a beginning, so with that in mind, let's begin. 

This fresh new blog post will be all the "ings." 

eating:

I did a BIG menu plan and we are eating THM Trim Healthy Mama dinners.  This weeks dinners were:  BLT-Frittata, Watcha Want Mexican (chicken), cheeseburgers, cowboy grub, Trim Mac Salad (think Big Mac in a salad), and a trip through the drive through at McDonald's (real life happens), and pizza at home.  I will write a future post about my September meal plan. 


reading: 

Aloud to the kids: The Winged Watchman by Hilda Van Stockum

 The Winged Watchman             Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones       

Myself: I finished, Household Organization by Florence Caddy written in 1877.  I found this book to be timely despite the old English writing style.  I was inspired to be a better homemaker.  Current Audio book: Atomic Habits, by James Clear. Currently reading Capsule Wardrobe by Sophie Claire. 

decluttering: 

Everything I possibly can.  We have done our first round in our dining room, front porch, and the children's living room.  We have removed several boxes and bags to Salvation Army, and many trash bags of garbage.  Children's bedrooms are in progress, and I hope to finish this month.  At least round one.  😊


preparing: 

for back to school, sorta.  We have two kids going back to traditional school. Our oldest student is a junior attending a highschool/college program.  Our youngest is a 2nd grader attending a small private school. Our middles are going to stay home this year.  Our 9th and 8th graders will be doing a traditional homeschool year.  Our 3rd grader has an IEP and is CSE classified, and will do a combination distance learning and homeschooling.  If you think this is confusing, all five would be in different schools if they were to return to traditional school. As the mom I just couldn't wrap my head around all the different restart programs, so we decided on the most consistent options for us.  

planning:  

homeschooling courses.  Printing, organizing, scheduling, all the subjects and all the ways we are going to learn this year.  I am very excited to be planning a nature study with another family.  I love nature walks, but struggle to make them happen, so does my friend.  We will be using Exploring Nature with Children, and I am so excited about this curriculum.  Look for a future post about our studies.

Our church ladies September picnic.  Journey to Hope.  We all need a reminder of the hope that is set before us, during these anxious and uncertain times.   

buying: 

all the back to school stuff.  Plus a few Christmas gifts I found on facebook market place.  Shh.  I am not a shop early for Christmas person, but when the perfect item comes up at a good price, I grab it.  

watching: 

I don't watch much TV, Andy Griffith, and Green Acres are the shows I watch on a regular basis.  I couple episodes of Fixer Upper and I Love Lucy on Hulu, if I really want to watch TV.  I do watch a few You Tubers pretty faithfully.  The Minimal Mom, Grace & Grit, Angela Braniff, Farmhouse Vernacular, Rooted in Rest, This Gathered Nest, The Daily Connoisseur, Farmhouse on Boone, Old World Home, Do It On a Dime...are my favorites right now.  

grieving: 

personal losses.  We have lost 2 family members from this life in the last two years.  We have also lost two sons from our home.  The last two are the hardest for me to grieve and find closure.  There are losses few will understand and sorrows few will walk through.  In my heart these two young men are part of my forever family.  They are sons of my heart no matter where their journey takes them, but I have lost them and my momma heart often grieves deeply for what I thought would be and what was lost.  These are the griefs that occasionally come when we chase wounded hearts.  There are so many blessings, but right now I feel I am in a season of deep undeniable grief, few will ever understand.  More of that journey to come. 

hoping: 

Against all hope in the God who blesses abundantly more than I could ever hope or imagine.  

Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began

and finished this race we are in. 

Hebrews 12:2 THE MESSAGE 


Wednesday, June 3, 2020

I have kept my mouth shut long enough

I have a lot of other content in my head right now for this blog. I want to be real, authentic, but I also want to protect my children's stories. This will always be a challenge, because our stories will always be interwoven. This post may not be as protective as I would like, but it needs to be shared all the same. It is time!

I have kept my mouth shut for as long as I can !!
Fair WARNING this is going to be a rant!!
If you don't want to read it keep scrolling.

We became foster parents nearly 13 years ago. Our heart was to come along side families and strengthen them, and possibly adopt if we had the opportunity.

We did adopt, six children! We knew each one before we signed the papers to adopt. We knew their challenges and some of their traumas, etc. We also knew we loved them. All of them!!

Our adoptions had unprecedented post adoption contact and visitation provisions, for our county, and possibly for our state, because we recognized and understood how knowing their birth families deeply loved and cared for these children even if they could not take care of them was important. We understood birth family connections, and the long term effects of rejection on children who have been adopted. We wanted our kids to know they were loved by everyone, but sometimes love is not enough, and sometimes the most loving choice is the hardest choice any parent could ever make. Our county workers applauded our open adoptions and the strengths we had working with birth parents. Our county officials helped pack the court house at all three of our adoptions.

We are not perfect. You do not add 7 family members in 6 years to your family without some struggles. We have had losses and fought through dark days in ourselves and in our children. But we kept putting one foot in front of the other and loving and doing our very best even when our very best was so inadequate. We have fought to preserve our family, while making so many sacrifices along the way. You see foster care and adoption are messy. Every day you deal with wounded people, and discover new wounds in yourself and deal with old wounds you thought were healed, or forgot existed. Foster parents are not super humans. We have good days and not so good days. In our case our motives were sincere, to help our children become the best human beings they could, and to overcome the traumas and family cycles. We did and continue to do the best we can, like all parents everywhere.

Out of six adopted children, we have had all of them in counseling at one time or another. We have kids on mental health medications; we have a child with learning and physical challenges. You don't know what you don't know, until you need to know it. We have had to navigate an array of challenges we never faced with our two birth sons. The most complicated being the mental health system. There just aren't enough services and training for kids with trauma and the parents trying to help them.

Maybe, we took on too much. Maybe, we said yes too often. Maybe, doesn't change where we are today.

Where we are today is the ugliest place I have been throughout my entire life and throughout the 13 years we have been foster parents. I am sharing this publicly for two reasons, one the foster care system needs to change, and two I am angry as hell.

One of our sons has been especially challenging from day one. Trauma and DNA have left him so deeply wounded, with coping skills that are not helping him. He is not a bad kid. He is a wounded, traumatized, neglected, possibly abused and definitely scared young man. At the age of three he could not be comforted by loving arms. At the age of 4 he had to be held tight to stay safe during fits of rage that lasted from a few minutes up to 45 minutes. I read books, attended special trainings, took him to doctor's appointments, evaluations. He started on medications, and mental health counseling. Melatonin saved us from 1 - 2 hour bedtime melt downs. We fought hard and long to help this child. His needs have always been more than our natural instincts and abilities could match. But in moments of connection and calm we could see the child behind the hurt. The beautiful, smart, tenacious, creative, person, waiting to take charge, but then the coping skills, the fear, the need to control and the rage took over again. This child has a war inside him, that he can never escape (although he tries through video games and TV), the only time he is quiet.

So, we have tried to help all of our children, but especially this one. Three years ago a variety of things were happening in our home and with visits, etc. (I make no excuses for our home environment, we hit a dark and tragic place, and we were still in recovery from it). This child's behaviors were escalating, and again I started to navigate the "system" to get him more help, services, help for our family. Meds, were changed, we increased counseling, etc. I did what I knew and I called on every resource I was given. The mental health system for minors is inadequate at best and truthfully neglectful. My husband and I were both in counseling, we were fighting for our marriage and our family. (this is no exaggeration).

So, two years ago we were planning a family vacation and this child's behaviors had come to the place where we were unsure if we should even take him on our family vacation. If you have a child with special needs you may understand if not you will think we are terrible for even thinking this way. That's what I thought too. What kind of parent would leave one of their children with someone else to go on a family vacation? so we all went. And we were basically held hostage by this child's behaviors. If it was something he wanted to do he was great, if not we listened to fits of rage. He would use the balcony and a closet to scream his head off. We spent way to much time inside our condo, while he watched TV or played video games. He fought and argued with everyone.
We enjoyed moments of this vacation, but mostly we survived it.

On the night we arrived home, this child committed a crime at only 12 years old. The investigating detective read him and me our miranda rights and then told me, "now he would be in handcuffs if he was 16" I share this part because a crime was committed! The crime was committed in our home and some of our children were no longer safe. (I won't share anymore, because it is not only my story to tell). The point is a crime was committed.

We took our son to a community respite while we tried to figure out what was best for everyone. How, we could help him and how we could keep our other children safe in the future. I expected this to be a short term situation. Although, again, I was navigating completely unknown territory. There were appointments, evaluations, more counseling for everyone. Things did not get sorted out quickly, weeks, turned into months.

I went back to the same people who I had gone to all those years as a foster parent whenever I got stuck. Our local DSS. They sent my son for an evaluation. The recommended services from that evaluation did not exist in our county or possibly even in our state. It was like trying to fill a prescription for a drug that was still in the testing phase. While in theory it was the best possible treatment, it was unavailable to our family and our son. Meanwhile, our son lingered in the community respite situation while I tried to navigate, pretty much alone, services for everyone. I took my son to every appointment, he had regular visits in our home, as soon as the other children felt safe. I relied on therapists and professionals to guide us in each step of increasing visits and contacts. I picked my son up at school and brought him home to have lunch with me and to see his dog. I never gave up on this child. But I also followed the advice I was being given, and my gut and and did not bring him home to live.

Meanwhile, we started to see a change in our home . All of us started to relax. Some of the other children started to open up and talk, real talk. We could sleep at night, and take naps without one eye open. Our other children could play in their bedrooms for the first time ever. Our family meals, while loud, were peaceful, and we could have real conversations. We found ourselves able to breathe for the first time in years. Forgive us all, but we liked it. While we miss him and love him, the peace that came over our home and the opening up and even blooming in our other children was wonderful. We functioned like a crazy large family with all the daily challenges and struggles, but we also thrived and relationships bloomed. (I'm not trying to paint an unrealistic picture here. There were still crazy hard days, and we are all still wounded and working through our hurts. But we definitely started to see more good days than bad days, and it felt good.)

To make this a little shorter, because believe me I could make it a lot longer....
We finally, placed this child in Foster Care voluntarily. His community respite provider requested he be removed. He had been there for 13 mos (community respite is typically a week or two). The therapists, and professionals were still telling us they did not believe it was safe to bring him into our home. So once again we listened to the experts and we placed him into DSS custody. Something DSS has continued to remind us of at every meeting and opportunity. Even though this was a voluntary placement, we have had our phone calls monitored from day one. We had to have DSS approval for all visits. He was placed 45 minutes from our home, and we had to continue all transportation. Every conversation from the very start has included the phrase "do you really want him back" in one form or another.

Today, I received a permanency hearing report for our upcoming court date (which will be by phone, because the courts are not open yet) and everything in it is a twisted version of the truth at best and out and out lies, by omission at least. We have been vilified and treated horribly by the same people who once applauded, literally, our efforts as foster parents and adoptive parents.

Our now voluntary placement of our child into foster care is being recommended as a placement by the department and we are expected to complete complete psychiatric evaluations! We are now the ones with mental health problems! The crime our son committed is being referred to as alleged, because he was never formally charged, but DSS has told people that I lied and exaggerated the crime, because I did not want my child in my home.

Here's where I get really angry!! We had three therapists recommending our son not return home when we placed him in foster care, our lawyer agreed with the therapists. We had two therapists recommending a certain type of treatment at this time as well. We paid for a completely unbiased professional evaluation to be done just weeks before placing the child in DSS custody. This evaluation was completed and the results came back days after his placement. The Department completely rejected this evaluation and went back to the Professional who did the first evaluation with a recommendation for treatment that did not actually exist. They also stopped all therapy sessions with the specialized therapist and did not replace those specialized therapy sessions for almost four months, at which time the therapist who replaced that therapist was the same one who evaluated him. This therapist continues to make recommendations contrary to the other four therapists, and it is this therapist that is recommending my husband and I have psychiatric evaluations. Our permanency hearing report states that we want treatment for our son that a couple of therapists do not recommend, and that we won't bring our son home until he gets this specific treatment and even names a specific place (which is our preference, because of the great work they do both with the boys and with the families, but certainly not the only option.) Of course the report doesn't mention the four therapists/psychologist that do recommend this level of treatment. This therapist has never talked to my husband and has not had any contact with me since she began treatment of my son. We are not allowed to make any decisions for our son. We did not want our son to see this therapist, because of her past recommendations and honestly, her preferred relationship to the county. We put this request in writing, and not only were we ignored, but they started our sons treatment without our knowledge. Remember this was a VOLUNTARY placement, our son was never removed from our care because of something we did wrong.

We are willing to pay for treatment for our son. We are willing to continue training and education for ourselves. We are aware it is going to be a challenge and we may need some help to return our child to our home. We have become accustom to a more peaceful home and we will need to help him use learned coping skills in a family setting. We know the road ahead is a challenging one for our son and for all of us.

So why this long post? We are not being heard, our son is still not being helped, and this county would rather vilify us for placing him back into foster care than help our family. I am angry!! This is relatively calm, but I assure you when I read through the court document today my blood was boiling and words came out of my mouth, that would shock many of you that know me. I am sorry to say that my language was very colorful.

This department is more concerned with winning and being "right" than with the needs of our son and our family. The course they are on may well end with them winning. But rest assured our son will lose if the have their way, and the children in our home will suffer another loss, their brother. We have been given, no signed up for, the very difficult task of parenting children who have suffered trauma at a very young age and need gigantic amounts of love and support. This is only one of the children we have chosen to love and support. The energy level we need to continue is sometime overwhelming.

Finally, I am being vulnerable by posting this, please be kind in your comments. I will not tolerate hate, even towards DSS. I don't hate them. I want them to understand. I think change is needed to the system, but I hate no one, and will not tolerate hateful language.



Friday, April 10, 2020

My Darlings, This Easter

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Photo by <a href="/photographer/wolak-40681">wojciech wolak</a> from <a href="https://freeimages.com/">FreeImages</a>

Oh, my Darlings, you are enough! This world has thrown all of us into the crazy unknown of social isolation and staying home.  We are doing things that we have never been asked to do before.
I want you to know we are all in this together, but apart.

As I have been reading through posts on Facebook I am realizing that we are all doing the best we can, but Easter has added some new elements to this social distancing thing.

We are missing our church families and traditions.
We are missing our people and activities that are so much a part of our memories and traditions.
We are doing things for the first time or doing them alone for the first time.

I write this with the desire to help you rethink your "normal."  Let's face it our "normal" has been snatched from us.

I think this is a time to simplify our holiday celebrations, and rethink about what is most important to US.  This is not the time to search social media for more ideas!

So jumping in to my heart on this season.  Some of you are really stressing about Easter.  And a whole lot of other things....

When we became a foster family, I had to face the fact that my perfectionist ways were stressing me out.  I wanted things to be the same way they were with my birth children.  I learned this was not going to happen, and I was the problem.  I had to change my expectations.  My Darlings, this is what I believe each one of us must do in this new climate.  We will never be able to recreate the same traditions this year that we have in past years.  We can't go to the same places, and we can't see the same people.  Let that sink in, because if you don't you are going to be very disappointed this Easter.

Okay, did that set in?  Are you ready for the next step?  Figure out what you can do.
But remember I said we are going to simplify or holidays and our life.  Here are some questions to get you thinking.  What are the important parts about your traditional Easter celebrations?
For me they are Church, Easter Dinner, Resurrection Rolls, and Easter baskets.  (typically we also buy new clothes and get dressed fancy, we might do an Easter egg hunt, we might color Easter eggs, we try to do the Resurrection Eggs, and decorate)  But if I have to really simplify then the four things I don't want to give up are Church, Easter Dinner, Resurrection Rolls, and Easter Baskets for the kiddos.


Communion 2
Photo by <a href="/photographer/Mart1n-51953">Martin BOULANGER</a> from <a href="https://freeimages.com/">FreeImages</a>

Now, how do I make those four things a priority this year?  Well, we are going to watch our church service together as a family, and we have already watched a very personal communion/Passover message from our Pastor and a Good Friday message as well.  The kids and I have been listening to the audio version of Mark and the account of the events leading up to the cross. (I will include links below so you can watch & listen too!)

Easter Dinner, I have been making this myself for years, but have simplified our menu a lot.  Cooking by yourself for 6 or more people instead of 3-4 really does change your mindset about what is important.  I no longer make a breakfast casserole for holiday mornings, instead we make cinnamon rolls from a package, and have fresh fruit.  Okay, it is not as healthy, but it is easy.  Sometimes the idea is to have a tradition, and just get everyone fed.  If you can't have your regular traditions this year why not do something completely different and easy?  Let this be a memory, instead of a tradition. Think, "remember the year we stayed home and had______________for Easter?" 

While we are on the subject of food, how can you simplify the Easter dinner, especially, if you are cooking it alone for the first time? Well, you may not be able to duplicate aunt Martha's custard pie or recreate one of those lamb cakes, but who says you have to?  Ask your family and yourself, "what is your favorite part of Easter dinner?" In our house that is the Ham, the mashed potatoes, the deviled eggs, and the dinner rolls.  I add a few sides and a yummy dessert, but honestly, if you know what the favorites are, and can somehow make that happen, then do that.  Don't try to recreate the meal exactly as it is when you get together with your people, instead figure out what your immediate household needs to "feel" special.  Let yourself off the hook.  I had to do this!  I was killing myself for a few years, trying to have the perfect Pinterest holiday and getting grouchy at my people, because I couldn't make it happen.  Ask yourself, "what do I want my people to remember about this holiday?" I bet the answer isn't that I was grouchy and grumpy all day.

The resurrection rolls we make are so easy, and a great way to retell the story of Jesus' death and resurrection in a way that even our littlest one can retell the story. I'm sure partly because we use a chicken that quacks the chicken dance, as a guard to the tomb :-). I was able to purchase everything we needed at our local Aldi.

Finally, our Easter baskets are simple.  We reuse the same ones year after year and they contain only a little candy.  We have children with ADHD and some GI compromised systems, so candy is not a really great idea.  We won't fill the baskets with a lot of toys, and dollar store gadgets that are in the trash in a week.  We do give everyone a little something, something, this year they are getting, magnetic dress up dolls, kinetic sand, socks, and hats, this is individually, not everyone.  We had to simplify years ago, because when our children started coming three at a time, and they were not raised with our same values and traditions, we made our own, and we haven't looked back.


Easter Baskets
Photo by <a href="/photographer/juliaf-55850">Julia Freeman-Woolpert</a> from <a href="https://freeimages.com/">FreeImages</a>

Next year will be different.  Maybe we will all return to our traditions, maybe we will keep the simplified versions, and maybe we will have a combination of the two, but for sure it will not be the same as this year.

I sincerely hope, my Darlings, this has given you permission to embrace what is and let it be what it needs to be for this season.

I plan to start writing again.  I have some things on my heart, including how this loss of normal initially affected my children and how we helped them through it.

I want to use this blog platform to help you over the next few months to find your new normal.  If I find resources I will be sharing them.  I still have no affiliate links, anything I share is something I have used or believe to be useful.  I do not receive anything for sharing them.  If I ever sharing anything that I receive something for sharing I will let you know up front.

resurrection rolls  
 Penn Yan Assembly of God Sunday morning Live Stream
Pastor's Easter, Communion, Passover chats can be found here.

Friday, January 3, 2020

Farmhouse, Cottage style

Wow, it has been a long time since I have shared a post. 
Truth is I am so much better at making elaborate plans than following them!! This year my planning is less, but I have some FOCUSED intentions!! More about that in another post. 

As I clean through my house, no noise except my own thoughts, and I have a lot of them!!

Some things have come to me.  I have let magazines, HGTV, and Pinterest define style for a long time!

I love Johanna Gaines, but I have come to realize that her style, while it is called farmhouse style does not fit with my memories of farmhouse style.  It's important to note here I am a farmers daughter, I grew up on farms in "farm houses."  We did not hang farm tools on our walls and we did not cut up barn wood to make signs.  I love the look and if Johanna Gaines offered to redo my house, I'd reply with a "Yes, Mame, please do." and if it is your style I would love to drink that special kind of family cozy in along with a fresh cup of hot coffee and lots of chatter and laughter.  Also, my idea of the perfect girl date.

My idea of farm house and cottage style goes back to a summer I stayed with my great aunt & uncle.  I think I stayed for a week, but it could have been just a weekend.  I haven't thought of that place or them in years.  But this morning as I cleaned my home the memories came flooding back.  Maybe it happened when I put on my apron, maybe when I rebooted the laundry, but it all came back the sights, the smells, the sunshine through the windows, everything.  I have to admit it took longer for the names of my aunt and uncle to come to mind.  For any family members who might read this blog I am talking about Aunt Midge and Uncle Gene.

Their house was cottage to me.  The downstairs was actually just two rooms, on one side a kitchen and dining area.  The other side, separated by the stairs on one end and a tiny bathroom on the other, was the living room/sitting room.  This home was a tiny little cottage, and it was also a farmhouse.  It had a true farmhouse sink, cast iron, double sink with attached drain boards.  It may have been the only cabinetry and counter space in that little kitchen.  I do remember a floor to ceiling cupboard unit spanning one end wall, built in wainscoting style.  And that was the first time I ever saw pegboard in use.  A large panel of it stood on one wall and held so many kitchen items, and my aunts apron.  My aunt also had a modern washer  :-) Every morning she pulled this portable contraption up to the sink and hooked it up to the faucet.  It was small probably meant to be used in apartments.  But there was only two of them most of the time.  I don't remember a dryer.

There were flowers in a mason jar or tall drinking glass, whichever fit the best and was handy.  They were fresh cut by uncle and lovingly place in their vase by my aunt.  They were like their home simple country folks.  Their home held more stuff than the minimalist movement would appreciate, but it didn't feel cluttered it felt homey.  Every piece held a memory for them.  They had endured hardship and loss and sunshine and rain.  I remember a table in the living room with a puzzle on it.  This was entertainment, never to be rushed to "finish" the puzzle, instead it was there to ponder, search and enjoy for a few minutes or even a long hour in the slow moments of the day. 

The order of the day served the needs and people of that house.  Seed time and harvest, cooking, cleaning, all of it had a purpose and no one seemed to question if what they did mattered.  They didn't spend hours arranging the perfect flower arrangement, that used what they had and it was perfect!
I don't remember them complaining about the work, and I didn't see them rushing to do, to go, to be, they just did the next necessary thing. 

So that is what my heart's desire is chasing this year, 2020.  To FOCUS on the slow, deliberate work of each day.  To listen for God's still small voice and obey.  With God's help I desire to create a home that is lovely in the truest sense of the word.  One like my Aunt and Uncle's that welcomed me into their space and their lives, even if only for a season.