One of our wounded hearts has been acting out in a somewhat unusual way. Unusual, because most families will never deal with this and if they do I suspect it would be with a toddler. Our dear child has been experimenting with fecal matter, their own. Removing it from their body and smearing it around our bathrooms. This behavior has continued over the past six months or so. It has varying degrees of frequency and intensity. We have been working with all the professionals to help our child. Currently the belief about this behavior is that our child is self soothing anxiety by doing this. This child is very anxious and this makes sense. When you do not have a foundation of being comforted when you are anxious, when needs go unmet and neglect is your 'normal' you do not learn healthy ways to cope with your emotions.
I actually don't want this to be about this child's behavior but about our/my response to it. This morning before taking my shower I went through a little routine. First, I checked the toilet area, then the floor mat, then the towels and wash clothes I was going to use. What was I checking for? Fecal matter or smell. At first finding these things, would make me angry, frustrated, even a feeling of violation. This most private moment was often ruined by another person's mess!! I was especially thrown into a mood when I went into this private space to enjoy a nice warm bath. As the mother of nine, seven still at home, and many levels of trauma and need, baths are a sacred and special thing I get to do just for me. Whenever, I would find the bathroom a mess and have to clean it and attempt to eliminate the odors before soaking in the tub....well, my mood was less than compassionate for my struggling child.
Today I noticed something. This little routine had become my normal. After. just about half a year I had learned to cope and expect this behavior. I had a plan for it and was prepared for it. You might be thinking, "not me, I could never get used to that in MY bathroom!" But here's the thing you don't know what you can endure until you have to, and our kiddos have endured a great deal. They have figured out ways to deal with the impossible, the crazy, the unimaginable. Our kids may have endured years of unusual situations from their living conditions, treatment from other people, including trusted adults. They have adapted their very routines to unbelievable situations.
Our family has adapted to this behavior. Most of us check the bathroom thoroughly, some of us have taken to hiding our towels in our bedrooms. In just six months our thinking has been reprogrammed to adapt. Most of our kiddos spent years adapting to their normal.
You see when a child comes into foster care they cannot just click a switch and changed their learned behaviors, their perceived reality. There are deep, deep lessons learned in their hearts and minds about what to expect. If they never had enough food they will believe they never will. If they had to take care of certain expectations at school by themselves, they will believe they still must. They can't simply trust that all that has changed and they are safe and those things will be taken care of now by someone else.
The children we've adopted have all come with eating issues. Mostly they would eat, and eat until nothing was left at every meal. After, a few weeks to a month their stomachs were reprogrammed to know that another meal or snack would soon be coming. Their minds...I think took a lot longer and most of them are still preoccupied with food. Sometimes I feel like a food vending machine, :-) "Mom, what's for snack, lunch, breakfast, dinner, dessert, etc."
Here's the thing in just over six months my family has come to expect, plan for, and even adapt to something I never would have thought possible, and it has made me keenly aware of how deeply my children and many, many, many just like them have adapted to horrible things in their past. It has renewed awareness and compassion and a desire to fight harder for all of my children.
I hope this brings new awareness to what it is like to live with someone with a history of trauma. They do not think the same as you do. They need your compassion far more than your advice. Love them, pray for them, help them to heal.
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