Thursday, October 25, 2018

All the Feels behind the blog

This is the nitty grit part of why I didn't write an update for over a month. 
This is transparency...
This is the part of writing the blog that may one day replace my therapist ;-)

Progress over Perfect

That's become my motto in the work on my home and my body, but my mind???
My mind still tells me terrible things, things like, "you failed, again," "you can't post now it's late, and you aren't even following your plan!" "you hypocrite." "you can't write a blog." "no one is reading it anyway..."  "Yeah, myself, is telling me ugly things, myself is telling me people will reject me, I am not good enough, my house is not like the other blog writers, I am not writing popular content, I am not .....   You get the idea.

So, this blog has to be more than just popular house cleaning content, or meal planning, or organization, or Godly womanhood, adoption, etc.  (It will likely contain all of that and more).

First, and foremost it started as a journey of the wounded hearts, including this wounded heart.

The wounded heart that was too paralyzed to write an update the moment it became 'late.'  The moment my pictures weren't taken.  What was holding me back, like shackles around my ankles and wrists? Fear!!  Mainly fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failing.  Let that just sit with you a minute.

Image result for free images shackles & chains

I want to write and share this journey with you, but the enemy of my soul has held me captive by this fear of rejection for so long....it is my go to response.

It is what has stopped me from stepping up to a more consistent role in women's ministry in my church, even though I long to empower every woman there....some might disagree with me, some might talk behind my back, some might not like me, some might not come to an event I plan.....on and on.... I know when I step out into ministry of any kind I put a target on my back, so I shrink back and only do the things I feel so passionate and so driven by God to do.

It is what has stopped me from writing about the darkest, hardest parts of our struggles in foster care and adoption (also, respect for the privacy of my family and their part of the stories).  While I know deep down in the depths of my soul that we are all wounded and we desire transparency and truth, more than beautiful houses, and meal plans.... I struggle to be vulnerable.  Truth is I thought I could be more vulnerable with people I hardly know, and one day maybe even strangers reading a blog post, than with those under my own roof, and even the one sharing my bed, because.....well...the rejection couldn't hurt as much, right?  That's why a therapist is easier to talk to .... they can't reject you, (Oh, and that degree, and years of school, that helps you sort through all your stinking thinking, so you can get to the other side and be the best version of you....that's pretty important too.)  Trust me it took me a few years to figure that out.  I was afraid even in that setting to be real, and vulnerable, because I wanted my therapist to like me.

The point is I recognize that this fear is a lie and it has kept me in bondage long enough, and I must push past it, become vulnerable, and believe that God has a good plan for my life, so I can live the life He has designed me to live, so I can write the content that I am supposed to write.

Image result for free images shackles & chains

You see another lie I have told myself is "there are so many blogs out there already, why would anyone one read mine? "  The answer: they don't need to, if I'm writing about the same things everyone else is...this is my story and that's the only reason to write it.  The good days, the hard days, the grace days, all of it is my story, and I am the only one who can tell it.

This story is imperfect and flawed, sometimes beautiful and sometimes messy, but it is worth documenting, worth sharing, and well worth living.  It is the abundant grace gift of an amazing Savior and Redeemer.

I hope you will continue to join me for the journey.



1 comment:

  1. Eileen14478@gmail.comOctober 25, 2018 at 6:31 PM

    Sheila,
    I hear thunder, no, applause. Well done, bravo!!

    ReplyDelete