So at the end of the day…my mind screams “failure, fraud!”;
my husband feels betrayed, my kids are scared and insecure, my house is always
a mess, and my body betrays secret eating binges and failures of
discipline. This battle in my mind is so
overwhelming, I want to hide in my bedroom, pull the blankets over my head and
cry, but no there is dinner to fix.
As I work through the needs that must be met. I see the truth first through a fog and then
more clearly. It doesn’t scream like the
declarations of failure. It is softly
spoken in gentle reminders and constant actions. The husband who struggles with his own
feelings of rejection and betrayal takes the children outside to play, their
voices carry into the house, but I am free to cook dinner without distraction
or tripping over one of these beloved.
The child who utters with a mouth full of food, “you’re a good cook
mom.” (blackened salmon, roasted sweet
potatoes, and green beans, with freshly baked zucchini bread). Even the cool July day, perfect for baking is
a blessing if you take the time to be thankful.
The small success of a four year old who eats all seven green
beans. The heart successes of recognizing
that the bouncy loud boy who’s acting out really just needs a hug, but will
never ask for one, so I remember to ask, and he takes it and returns a half an hour
later to ask for another one.
How does a day begin with coffee and scriptures that jump
off the pages of my Bible and straight into my heart nearly end with my own
head proclaiming, “failure, fraud”? I
guess quite honestly, I look at what I can do, and I see all my short
comings. I forget that the promises
spoken this morning were never about what I can do, but what He will do.
Verses like Psalm 138:7- 8 “Though I am surrounded by
troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out your hand, and the power of
your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life – for
your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. “
And this from 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 “We think you ought to
know, dear brothers and sisters about the trouble we went through in the
province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure,
and we thought we would never live through it.
In fact we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on
ourselves and learned to rely on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and
he will rescue us again. We have
placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. And you are helping us by praying for
us. Then many people will give thanks
because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.”
Both these passages were part of my quiet time this morning
and yet twelve hours later I am believing “failure, fraud.” Because truth is I am both those things, but
the one who saved me, rescued, redeemed, and forgave me is neither of
them. He is faithful!!
*Many of my posts will not fit a timeline. They come from my journals, my daily inspirations and struggles. I share them when I am ready. So recently could mean in the last three years, etc. So this was in July, somewhere in the past.... The truth contained in it are valid for today.
